New Rules is a segment on Bill Maher’s HBO show, Real Time. It’s a not-so-tongue-in-cheek way of getting his point across. And so, with a tip-of-the-hat to Mr. Maher, (and an attempt at being funny), I present to you…
New Rules orgy style
New Rule: “Hide the Enema” is not a real game. Sometimes after a party—even days later—I’ll find a “squeezed” enema neatly placed behind the toilet, in the cabinet, or under the towels on the shelf. Are they like Easter eggs? Shall I leave out coloring dye? It does bring me a smile, but there’s a receptacle next to the toilet anyway. Thanks.
New Rule: Don’t be a “Handy Dandy.” If a guy moves your hand off his dick two times, chances are he’s not going to want that twelfth you’ve got coming. Get the point early, please.
New Rule: A little bit of poo shall not warrant an All Points Bulletin. You’d think this is being directed toward tops, but it’s the bottom dudes who want us to think A) this has never happened to them before (please, assholes are notoriously uncooperative), B) this has never happened to us, before, and C) everyone in the room needs to know it. It’s fine, really; just be sure to run directly to the bathroom and don’t come out until there’s nothing but sparking water coming out of your ass….all of which shall take no more than the allotted three minutes in said bathroom.
New Rule: No scat.
New Rule: This isn’t your own private party. This will probably not be you as the only bottom at a gang bang. Jussayin’.
New Rule: Who’s Your Daddy? I might think you’re good looking, you might think you’re good looking, the guy next to you might think you’re good looking. But that doesn’t mean everyone thinks you’re good looking. Nor must we.
New Rule: The host is not a dildo. Hoping I’ll top you is one thing, but expecting it is quite another. Do you have types? So do I. And don’t leave in a huff. That’s what chicks do.
New Rule: Your voice shall not reach shush level. If you are one of those people with an…abnormally loud voice—and you know who you are—try to keep it at your whisper voice, which is at least as loud as my outdoor voice. And that guy giving some other guy a BJ waving his hand at you? He’s actually telling you to turn it down, not turn it up.
New Rule: No scat.
New Rule: Nowhere on a Watch does it read, “But-I’m-Horny O’Clock.” I’m not sure what part of 8 P.M. to 1 A.M. is confusing. Guys have recently been coming after the end time of 1 A.M. Like way after the end time of 1 A.M. Like 3:30 A.M. On the wrong day!
Jussayin’.
♣
